Neuticles: yes there really are fake testicles

As a shelter veterinarian, I always laughed when people asked me about fake testicles for dogs. But in private practice, I actually have people ask me about them quite a bit. And I recently implanted my first pair. The results were… well, testacular!

First, a little bit about Neuticles. They come in 8 sizes for dogs, 2 sizes for cats, and 3 sizes for horses and cows. The dog sizes come in 4 different models, each progressively higher priced. They range from $100 to $1500 a pair. (And yes, you can buy just one.)

Why different models? The least expensive are made out of plastic, the more expensive ones from silicone. I couldn’t figure out how you would know the difference. Are there people out there feeling their dog’s testicles? I called the company for more information.

Gregg Miller was happy to talk to me about his invention. In 16 years, vets have neuticled hundreds of thousands of animals with no complications that he knows of. I asked him about the silicone models – why would clients want to pay extra for these? While there is little difference for the smaller dogs, he told me that in larger dogs, the less expensive plastic models have been known to “clack together.” Since this was the model my client had chosen, I was a little worried. But he assured me that the way that I had implanted them would keep the clacking to a minimum.

And I have to say that my client was extremely pleased. He would not have had his dog neutered without the implants. The dog will have the same health and behavioral benefits as being neutered. So I will probably continue to offer them. Anything that convinces more people to neuter their pets is a good thing.

The burning question – did the dog fall for the ruse? I guess in some ways no – without testosterone, he won’t try to use his clackers – and in some ways yes – they probably still feel the same when he licks them.

Interestingly, when I told Mr. Miller I was from Orange County, he was not surprised. Apparently Southern California is where his company sells the most implants.